Hmm, I like it just as it is...

--
~eating all the kisses off the mistletoe~

L6 'opened up' seems a little trite and slow. 'unfolded' may work better.
L11 'fall like lightning' seems contrary. Falling, especially in connection with something light such as fireflies, gives a slow context, whereas lightning gives the opposite.
L13 why is the light 'holy'? There is no reference to it anywhere else.

The three repeated instances of 'love' are a risk here, but I think you pull that one off.

It is still a beautiful and remarkable work. :~)

Thank you so much for the advice. I took it to heart, changed some bits so hopefully there's a little more consistency and clarity. Hope it's better!

The butterfly wings edit is stellar. +fav

Beautiful words.

--
"Sans toi, les émotions d'aujourd'hui ne seraient que la peau morte des émotions d'autrefois."

At least capitalize and use commas where necessary. Work on your meter and rhythm.

--
"A story is a playground for the mind."
- Larry Niven

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beautiful! i dont want to pick it apart any

All of it is great, maybe the first two stanzas stand alone though, the other half is somewhat detached, the butterfly references vanish - also, maybe you only need to say butterfly once, with a bit of wangling. Just a couple quick thoughts. Brilliant though.

--
The Moving Finger writes, and, having writ,
Moves on; nor all your Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all your Tears blot out a Word of it.

I love it, but I want to know why "our lives write the love songs". Is this in opposition to the action of the first two stanzas? A reaffirmation of the third?

Sensation wise, the net-broken wings in the first stanza are magical. You've set that up as reality,and it's a wonderful one that you should foster--saying "*like* butterfly wings" in the second stanza denies that reality, whereas if you did another simile, such as "like leaves", or if you eliminate the comparison and say "fall with our breath/to the ground", it supports your reality.

Nonetheless, this is good. There's a strange shift in tone the moment we hit "metallic", but that gets more down to intent. Well done.

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+++++++++++++++++
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